


For Your Penance (Ten Bloody Marys)

by maybemalapert (laconicisms)



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe is pissed the American way, Deckerstar Summer Exchange, F/M, Lucifer is pissed the British way, Lucifer performs the unsexiest strip of his life, Maze makes a cameo, Misunderstandings, Post 2x14, apparently breathalyzers aren't standard cop equipment who knew, drunk!Lucifer, it absolutely is karma Chloe, rated M for innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 19:54:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11996841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laconicisms/pseuds/maybemalapert
Summary: In which Lucifer gets his karmic payback from the confession scene in 1x09.Or: Chloe buys booze and does science. Lucifer drinks. It's a peculiar form of penance.





	For Your Penance (Ten Bloody Marys)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skaoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skaoi/gifts).



> Written for skaoi for the Deckerstar Summer Exchanged, for the prompt: _an unusual reveal._
> 
> Dearest skaoi, I hope you enjoy this because, while I did not write this under the influence, it feels like I wrote it under the influence. This has gotten ridiculously convoluted. I AM SORRY. ~~I blame Chloe for not carrying a breathalyzer.~~
> 
>  
> 
> Beta-ed by the lovely titc.

The case had been a difficult one, and normally Chloe would have turned down Lucifer's offer of celebratory drinks at Lux, only he hadn't called them celebratory, and she had really needed a stiff drink right then.

Human trafficking, just. Shit.

Still, she'd only downed one glass and stuck to water afterwards since she was here with her car and didn't want to take an _Uber_ home. Nor was the idea of working with a hangover the next day at all appealing.

Lucifer, of course, had no such compunctions and had steadily been getting more and more trashed.

"Oh, it really is hot in here, innit?" her partner said and started taking off his shirt right there at the bar. His jacket was long gone, vanished somewhere during the past two hours.

"Christ almighty," Chloe groaned. She was being punished for something, or maybe it was karma. 

"Nooo," he moaned, squinting at her and giving her the absolutely most adorable, dorkiest expression. "It's Lucifer, Detective. Repeat after me: Lu-fi-cer. The Morningstar. But thethe's optional."

While to their left, a group of women started to giggle and _help him out of his shirt_ , Chloe tried to make sense of what he'd just said.

Right, the 'the'. 

"Well, Lucifer _the_ Morningstar needs to go upstairs now," she said, snatching the shirt from a blonde's hands and grabbing his arm. There was a collective sound of disappointment from his admirers that almost drowned out Lucifer's confused, "Why?".

Someone called her a spoilsport. She didn't dignify that with a response.

"Because," she said, waving Lucifer's shirt in his face, "you're too drunk to--" _know what you're doing_. She hesitated. That wasn't entirely correct. Lucifer was prone to just taking off his clothes whenever it pleased him, like when they were interviewing witnesses. _This_ wasn't out of the ordinary for him. She'd seen him shirtless many times before.

_Yeah, but not usually when there are others around who would take him up on the implied readiness for some action._

"I'm not drunk!" Lucifer protested loudly, plucking the shirt from her hands with surprisingly nimble fingers considering his state of inebriation. "I can't get drunk!"

"You're drunk," she replied.

_He's usually sober when he's shirtless._

Okay, no. She was sure he'd often been less than sober when he'd slept with whoever threw themselves at him on any given night. So, there really was no logical explanation for why she was still holding onto his biceps, ready to pull him off the bar stool and usher him upstairs.

_No, none at all, of course. And the Nile is still a river in Egypt._

"I'm not!" Lucifer almost shouted in her face. Then he paused and a smile travelled across his face. "But we can go upstairs, Detective."

She blinked at him.

"There's a bed there," he happily supplied.

Someone whooped. It was shortly followed by, "Can I join you?"

"No!" Chloe said decisively.

"Oooh, possessive," Lucifer exclaimed. "Me gusta!"

One day she was going to have trouble chewing and it would all be Lucifer Morningstar's fault, she thought, trying to stop herself from grinding her teeth and failing. Regardless, she started to feel stupid just standing there holding onto him, so she tugged on his arm. He followed and almost pulled them both to the floor. Gravity wasn't on her side tonight. Or on Lucifer's.

Someone gave them a steadying hand. It was the same blonde who'd been holding his shirt earlier. 

"Thanks," Chloe said, a bit grudgingly.

"Have fun," the blonde said, winking.

"Right," Chloe said.

They made their way through the throng of dancers with only a minor collision or ten, and she had to stop her partner from snatching another drink off a tray a waiter carried by. Somewhere along the way, Lucifer lost his shirt again.

The close, but silent, quarters of the elevators were something of a relief. Then Lucifer started swaying and almost fell over his own feet while simply standing. She slung her arm around him, and he put his around her shoulders.

He sighed heavily. "I missed you, darling."

He was the one who'd freaking _left._ But really, what had she expected? Every time things got a little emotional, he up and ran away. 

"Don't darling me," Chloe grumped at him.

"Daaarling," Lucifer sing-songed. "Ooooh, I'm drunk. I'm _drunk_." He paused and leaned closer to her. His breath smelled like a distillery. "You're a miracle, Detective."

The elevator dinged.

"Thanks," she grunted, moving his body so she could manoeuver them out of the elevator and into his penthouse.

"It isn't a compliment."

Oh wow.

"Just a fact."

Okay, different kind of wow.

"A terrible, horrible fact." His tone was mournful.

Chloe closed her eyes. She was going to get whiplash if he kept this up. 

"It's because of Amenadiel. He blessed your mother."

No. No point in trying to keep up. Chloe stopped for a moment, trying to figure out if she should dump him on the couch or attempt to haul him all the way to his bed.

Lucifer sighed deeply. "You shouldn't have existed." 

The words hit her like a freight train, and she let go off him in shock. Lucifer stumbled and grabbed hold of her arm. There was a small _chink_ , and then both of them were flat on the floor. Lucifer's weight pressing all the air from her body.

Chloe struggled out from underneath him, ignoring the pained grunt Lucifer made. 

"I shouldn't have existed," she repeated hollowly when she was upright and staring down at him. First that whole Vegas thing, and now _this_. How could he say that to her?

 _He's too drunk to know what he's saying,_ Chloe tried to tell herself.

_He's too drunk too dissemble, _another voice in her head countered, and she bit the inside of her cheek. She wasn't going to cry, dammit.__

__"Yes," he said, turning onto all fours and somehow managing to stand up as well. She tore her eyes away from the sight of his scars. "I even have proof." He shuffled over to one of the walls and stretched to reach something on one of the upper shelves._ _

__What had she done that he wanted to write her out of existence? How could they have gone from… from a kiss less than two months ago to _this_?_ _

__Lucifer was back at her side and thrust a picture in her face. Reacting on autopilot, she took it and stared down at it, unseeing. It took a while for the image to actually make it through and then._ _

__It really was her mother, a younger version of her, and Chloe could even pinpoint the year it had been taken by her mother's hairstyle and dress. The upside of Penelope Decker having so many pictures of herself in the house. This was from the year her mother had become pregnant with her. And there, right next to her was Amenadiel, looking as he always did._ _

__No way._ _

__It had to be a manip, but why do that? She couldn't think of any logical explanation aside from it being part of some sort of prank. Or maybe some kind of bet again? That would be the second time Lucifer had manipulated her or tried to, and she wasn't going to fall for it._ _

__At least Maze didn't seem to be involved this time. Just Amenadiel, and she didn't even really know him._ _

__Just, why?_ _

__A thump and a curse made her look over to where Lucifer was now occupying the floor near the two steps that led up into his bedroom. He was trying to struggle out of his pants, fighting with his Italian leather shoes._ _

__He looked up at her. "Help?"_ _

__Yeah, no._ _

__Chloe could feel her lips stretch into a smile. It wasn't a nice one. "I think you can manage from here," she said, past the lump in her throat. There were more words burning on her tongue, but she held them back._ _

__His face settled into an expression of confusion, and she wasn't going to fall for it. She wasn't. Or hell, maybe he was too drunk to realize that he'd just handed her that manip. Or what he'd revealed about his opinion of her._ _

__The image fluttered to the floor as Chloe turned on her heel and stalked to the elevator._ _

__\--_ _

__It was that kind of day, apparently._ _

__Standing before her car, Chloe discovered that the keys were missing. She had a pretty good idea of where they were, too, and she was seriously considering just calling that _Uber_ and coming back later with her substitute keys. Like in a year or so._ _

__She could buy a new car._ _

__Or move to New York, or something._ _

__Sydney._ _

__Surely, the Australians needed some homicide detectives, too._ _

__God, why did this shit keep happening to her?_ _

__But why should she run? It wasn't like _she_ 'd been behaving like a dickhead. With a growl of frustration, Chloe turned around and stalked back towards Lux._ _

__Her jaw started aching on the way up to his penthouse because she kept grinding her teeth together. She was stoking her anger by listing all the things he'd ever done to piss her off because if she stopped being angry, she'd be left with the hurt and she couldn't, wouldn't, cry._ _

__The door opened, and Chloe didn't walk into his penthouse. She stormed. Contrary to her expectations, Lucifer wasn't in bed or lying passed out on the floor. No, he was sitting at his piano, another drink on top of it -- oh who cared if he got alcohol poisoning? Chloe Decker certainly didn't -- and blinking in surprise as she came to a halt in front of him._ _

__His eyes were clear and his hands was steady was the first thing she noticed. He was holding the manip was the second._ _

__"Detective!" he exclaimed, voice and diction clear._ _

__And no. No. Fuck him._ _

__"Was it a trick?" she asked, and dammit, tears were gathering in her eyes again. "You pretended to be drunk and then--"_ _

__"What? No!" He jumped up from the piano bench, took a step towards her. She took a step back. Lucifer froze. "Not a trick, Detective. Just, supernatural metabolism. I told you."_ _

__"Right," she said, and quickly turned her head as the tears started to trail down her cheeks. Somewhere here on the floor, she should find her goddamn keys. "Because you're the devil."_ _

__"Yes!"_ _

__There._ _

__She hastily moved towards her wayward keys, picked them up, and almost ran to the elevator._ _

__He blocked her path. "Detective. _Chloe_ , let me explain."_ _

__"You can take your explanation and shove it up your ass," she said, voice breaking, and pushed him aside._ _

__He was reaching for her. "Detective!"_ _

__"Touch me, and I'll shoot you for real."_ _

__His hand fell away. "Please--"_ _

__"No." She all but jumped into the elevator and hit the button to close the door. "Just leave me alone."_ _

__The door slid closed. She heard him shouting from the other side, but…_ _

__She wasn't listening. Wouldn't, ever, listen to his bullshit again._ _

__\--_ _

__"Okay, just punch him or something."_ _

__Chloe looked up from where she was rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher -- she was going to fit that cereal bowl in even if it killed her; it stank of vodka, for fuck's sake -- and frowned at Maze. "What?"_ _

__"I said, 'Punch him'. Or I don't know, shoot him again. Just do fucking something, so the two of you will stop _moping_."_ _

__"I'm not moping," Chloe said because she wasn't. Lucifer was a different matter, his face had been longer than the Chinese Wall these past five days while she'd been ignoring him as much as possible considering they were working a case together. If it had been in her hands, she'd have shut him out completely, but it wasn't her decision._ _

___Thanks, Lieutenant. ____ _

____"Yeah?" Maze said. "Well what about the kid then?"_ _ _ _

____Chloe winced. Trixie had been witness to Chloe throwing Lucifer out of her apartment when he'd shown up uninvited and was majorly unhappy about it. Two days later she was still lobbying her mother to 'just forgive him'._ _ _ _

____The two of them, and now Maze, were starting to wear her down, but._ _ _ _

____She couldn't just forgive him. She was too _hurt_._ _ _ _

____"I just don't understand what he was trying to achieve," she said. "First pretending to be drunk, and then, that photo manip."_ _ _ _

____Maze's eyebrows shot up. "What manip?"_ _ _ _

____"There's some photoshopped picture of my mom having drinks with Amenadiel."_ _ _ _

____"Oh shit," Maze said, closing her eyes._ _ _ _

____Chloe narrowed hers. "You know about that." It was a statement because _clearly she did_. _ _ _ _

____Okay, maybe it was an accusation. Maze opened her eyes and glared at Chloe. "What I know is that _mommy dearest_ flung it into his face as proof that you're part of some game his father's playing."_ _ _ _

_____What?_ _ _ _ _

____"What I don't get is why he showed it to you. He was all set on keeping you out of it and cutting you out of his life as much as possible," Maze continued. "I mean, not like he stuck to that." She waved a hand at Chloe._ _ _ _

_____Just. What?_ _ _ _ _

____"Hang on," Chloe said. "Are you saying he didn't have anything to do with that manip?"_ _ _ _

____"It's not a manip," Maze replied. "And no, he didn't."_ _ _ _

____Right. Not a manip. Because all of them bought into the same delusion, and apparently that included Lucifer's mother. Just what was wrong with that family? And Maze. Because Maze didn't claim relation to any of them and yet._ _ _ _

____Demon. Right._ _ _ _

____Chloe sighed, putting the bowl down on the counter. She'd make Maze wash it herself, seeing as her roommate was the only person in this household who drank alcohol for breakfast, but Maze's idea of washing the dishes basically looked like throwing the dishes away. Right on cue, Maze picked the bowl up, frowning down at the dishwasher before her gaze wandered over to the trash can. "Don't even think it," Chloe said, snatching the bowl back and frowning down at it herself._ _ _ _

____If Lucifer thought that the manip was real, really thought it, and if he also thought that there was some sort of… plot against him that somehow involved Chloe's mom, well, it didn't make up for him telling her she shouldn't have been born. Or pretending to be drunk to tell her these things. Or the thing with Candy, really. But maybe she could listen to what he had to say for himself?_ _ _ _

____She bit her lip. The question of whether he'd been as intoxicated as she'd thought he was or whether he'd been play-acting wasn't really a clear cut thing, either. She'd seen what he'd put away. Hell, she'd smelled his breath, and maybe it had been a trick, maybe his bartender had given him watered down drinks._ _ _ _

____But he'd been snatching drinks from trays half the time, how would he have known which one was the watered down version?_ _ _ _

____That aside, there were only so many things you could do to cover the physical manifestations of inebriation, and she was a cop. She was sure he'd been drunk._ _ _ _

____And then he wasn't._ _ _ _

____Like he'd been in front of her during that macabre duel between Nick Hofmeister and his protégé Josh, and _then he wasn't_._ _ _ _

____Like he'd been riddled by bullets. Should have died. But he hadn't._ _ _ _

____She'd seen so many things she couldn't explain. And she'd given up her chance to find out on her own when she'd thrown his blood sample away. _There_ had been her irrefutable, scientifically-underpinned proof one way or another. But back then, before his sudden disappearance, before Candy Morningstar, she'd still trusted him, trusted his word._ _ _ _

____Now, Chloe thought, an idea beginning to percolate in her mind as she turned the bowl over in her hands, now she wanted proof._ _ _ _

____And also, maybe, exact a little revenge for all the shit he'd pulled._ _ _ _

____Okay, make that _definitely_._ _ _ _

____\--_ _ _ _

____He'd actually rung the doorbell for once. Chloe waved him in and closed the door, still marvelling at the fact that he hadn't just waltzed into her apartment as he usually did._ _ _ _

____Sign of a guilty conscience? Likely._ _ _ _

____"So," Lucifer began, "I admit I hadn't expected your text. Or the invitation."_ _ _ _

____"You can thank Maze," Chloe replied walking towards the kitchen counter and motioning for him to follow._ _ _ _

____"That seems to be a common theme," Lucifer muttered, grimacing. He stopped before the counter, then hesitantly took a chair as she did the same. His eyes flicked to the device she'd positioned rather prominently on the surface._ _ _ _

____"I borrowed it from the station," she explained. It had been a bit difficult to obtain, and she now owed someone a favor, but -- unlike the handheld devices -- the _Intoxilyzer 8000_ couldn't be cheated._ _ _ _

____"I take it this is not a… typewriter missing its keyboard?"_ _ _ _

____"Breathalyzer."_ _ _ _

____He frowned. "Didn't you say that your offspring was too young for--"_ _ _ _

____"It's for you," she interrupted. "You're gonna prove that whole supernatural metabolism thing for me."_ _ _ _

____"With a breathalyzer?"_ _ _ _

____"And this," she said, pulling out a bottle of _Everclear_ that she'd bought and thunking it down on the counter. She'd been kinda torn between that one and the bacon flavored vodka, but she'd drunk _Everclear_ before and knew just what it tasted like._ _ _ _

____Lucifer squinted at the label. "I don't think I've ever tried that before."_ _ _ _

____Chloe bit her cheek to stop herself from grinning. He was in for a surprise then._ _ _ _

____"So," she asked. "Are we going to do this?"_ _ _ _

____He hesitated, then said, "I suppose there are worse ways to do it. The question is whether you are ready for this kind of revelation, Detective. And whether you'll consider this enough to believe what I've been saying."_ _ _ _

____And there was the crux, because deep down, at the very back of her mind, Chloe already did have doubts about whether the view of the world she held -- one of cold hard facts, not wishy-washy things like angels and a big, bearded guy in the sky -- was accurate. Honestly, she just didn't _want_ to believe._ _ _ _

____Yet, at this point, not doing so just seemed to fuck things up between. _If_ he actually was what he said he was._ _ _ _

____"I am," she said, her gaze flicking toward the bottle of booze. To be honest, she could have just as easily asked him for a blood sample but, well, she was due a little vengeance for the kind of shit he'd put her through._ _ _ _

____Besides, if he was telling the truth, he probably wouldn't even get a hangover and if he didn't, he'd have the hangover from hell._ _ _ _

____She picked up the mouthpiece of the breathalyzer and held it out to him. For a proper scientific approach, Ella had explained, she needed to establish a baseline. Or, in other words, she needed to see if he'd drunk something before coming here._ _ _ _

____"You know what to do."_ _ _ _

____Lucifer opened his mouth, definitely not with the intention to actually blow through the mouthpiece. Chloe narrowed her eyes at him._ _ _ _

____"Come on, Detective. You can't really expect me to hold this one back."_ _ _ _

____"Can't I," she said flatly. He sighed as if it physically hurt him not to make some kind of lascivious remark and leaned forward to blow. He did it properly, too; no attempts to trick the machine by blocking the piece with his tongue, which wouldn't have worked anyway, but well. He was behaving himself._ _ _ _

____Though this was only the first of three measurements and the one that would neither prove nor disprove his claims._ _ _ _

____Chloe grabbed the glass she'd put on the counter beforehand, broke the seal on the bottle, and poured a shot. Lucifer wrinkled his nose. "Is that rubbing alcohol?"_ _ _ _

____She pushed the glass towards him. "No," she said and waited. After a few seconds during which Lucifer was clearly waiting for her to explain how this was a joke and she'd pull out the _Johnny Walker_ momentarily, he grabbed the glass and quickly downed it._ _ _ _

____"Ugh," Lucifer said, making a face as if he'd just bit into a lemon. "This is truly vile." She smiled at him sweetly and refilled the glass._ _ _ _

____Lucifer stared at it as if it held poison. "Can't you just shoot me?"_ _ _ _

____"Don't tempt me."_ _ _ _

____He opened his mouth, probably hoping to provoke her into it._ _ _ _

____"I'll do it afterwards," she quickly said._ _ _ _

____"Cruel", he muttered._ _ _ _

____"How long does it take for you to metabolize alcohol?"_ _ _ _

____"Depends on how much I've had. Five, maybe ten minutes. Tops. Provided you're not in range, that is."_ _ _ _

____"Not in range?" Chloe echoed._ _ _ _

____"Well, as I tried to explain to you, you make me mortal. Hence why I was even drunk in the first place."_ _ _ _

____"I make you mortal?" Chloe asked, incredulously. "How even? And what range?"_ _ _ _

____"Yes. I don't know. And I'm not quite sure exactly, you'd know better than I would," Lucifer replied, then squeezed his eyes shut and downed the second glass. He coughed and put it down. "I don't know how far you went before you came back that evening, but it was far enough apparently."_ _ _ _

____"So, in other words," Chloe said, mentally calculating the distance between Lucifer's apartment and her car that evening and factoring in the height of the building, "I need to make myself scarce for a few minutes so you can get sober."_ _ _ _

____Lucifer nodded._ _ _ _

____Damn, she'd hoped to keep an eye on him the whole time. Chloe briefly wondered if he had some kind of -- human, entirely logical, non-supernatural -- trick that would soberize him, then quickly discarded the idea. He couldn't cheat his way out of this. Hell, he hadn't even known that this was what she'd planned._ _ _ _

____She poured the third shot._ _ _ _

____"Surely, this is enough already for your machine to work," Lucifer tried._ _ _ _

____"I want to be sure," Chloe said and held out the glass to him._ _ _ _

____Lucifer took it and knocked it back with another grimace. "You've been spending too much time with Maze. I knew the two of you moving in together was a bad idea."_ _ _ _

____"Oh," Chloe said, taking back the glass. "So, you weren't worried about _me_ when you told me it was a bad idea."_ _ _ _

____"No, I was also concerned for you."_ _ _ _

____"And for yourself."_ _ _ _

____"There was enough concern for everyone to get their proper share."_ _ _ _

____Chloe snorted and continued to pour, thoroughly enjoying the faces Lucifer was making._ _ _ _

____He was starting to get buzzed. Not fall down, take off your clothes and talk about blessing her mother drunk, but still. Intoxicated. She poured one more shot, which he drank, looking entirely betrayed at the mere existence of what one of her friends had once called "Liquid Self-loathing", and then attempted to test his breath alcohol again._ _ _ _

____"I can blow so. Deep. Detective," he said, mumbling around the mouthpiece, sticking out his tongue and _licking it_. Chloe groaned. "Very deep. Lots of practice." _ _ _ _

____Lowered inhibitions, Chloe told herself. Okay, that was basically Lucifer's default mode. He'd really been behaving himself before._ _ _ _

____"Prove it," she told him, definitely not getting red. "And blow."_ _ _ _

____He did, all the while moaning obscenely._ _ _ _

____Chloe was definitely, _definitely_ not blushing. Damn him. She tore her eyes away from the picture he made and concentrated on the small screen that would tell her when he could stop while trying her best to ignore the noises and her own reaction. _ _ _ _

____"You can stop now," she said a moment later, tugging at the mouthpiece. He somehow managed to make it pop as she pulled it from his lips._ _ _ _

____"I'm also very, very good at licking--"_ _ _ _

____"No!" Chloe said quickly. There was no way in hell she could feel any hotter, right now, even if the AC broke._ _ _ _

____The machine whirred and she gratefully grabbed the printout._ _ _ _

____Breath alcohol level of 0.12, which was less than she'd guesstimated for a man his size, but was definitely well above zero._ _ _ _

____Also, she was betting her ass he was pretending to be drunker than he was._ _ _ _

____"I can prove it," Lucifer said and gave her a look that could only be described as smoldering._ _ _ _

____"No, thank you," Chloe said as primly as possible. She pointed at the couch. "Stay here. Don't do anything." He opened his mouth, mischief in his eyes. "I don't wanna hear it," she interrupted before he could start, and he pouted._ _ _ _

____She pointed at the couch again. Lucifer gave her a wink and a mock salute and leisurely sauntered over to the couch to flop down on it. She started to pack up the _Intoxilyzer 8000_ just to make sure he didn't somehow find a way to make it cheat. Then she and her trusty breathalyzer left the apartment to get out of range._ _ _ _

____\--_ _ _ _

____She didn't know what she'd find upon returning nor was she sure what she hoped to find. If Lucifer was still drunk, well. It wouldn't really prove anything one way or another._ _ _ _

____If he was sober, it would be proof that he was _something_. Something other than a normal human being at least._ _ _ _

____No, she'd… she'd decided to believe. No more chickening out. If he was sober, there was her proof that he was what he said he was._ _ _ _

____The devil._ _ _ _

____It took two tries for her to fit the key into the lock. She hadn't locked the door, just let it fall shut behind her, so it only needed a quarter turn to open it, but her hands were shaking. She was half afraid she'd let the breathalyzer fall when she picked it up._ _ _ _

____Lucifer was still sitting on the couch… was again sitting on the couch because the bottle of _Everclear_ was before him and it had still been on the counter when she left. He was idly turning the glass in his hand. No, not idly, she realized. Nervously._ _ _ _

____"Detective."_ _ _ _

____Once more, she noted that his eyes were clear. Speech unslurred._ _ _ _

____Her mouth turned dry, she couldn't quite manage to return the greeting. Pulse in her throat, Chloe kicked the door shut with her foot and carried the machine over to the small sofa table._ _ _ _

____Tried to turn it on._ _ _ _

____Right. Plugging it in _might_ help._ _ _ _

____She got up to get the extension cord, set it up. Lucifer remained silent throughout, watching her, still fiddling with the glass._ _ _ _

____They were both afraid._ _ _ _

____At this point, Chloe thought, she didn't even need the breathalyzer anymore, really. But she knew that thought for what it was. Another way she could tell herself later that maybe she'd just imagined things. That there was some other kind of explanation._ _ _ _

____"No jokes this time," she said, extending the mouthpiece for the last time. "No innuendo, and no… no performance."_ _ _ _

____Lucifer's eyes began to glint and the nervousness she'd seen earlier vanished. Or maybe he just hid it. "But I didn't really get to properly enjoy your lovely blush the last time, Detective," he said, then leaned forward and ever so slowly slid his lips over the plastic until he'd almost reached her fingers._ _ _ _

____Equally slowly, he pulled back off._ _ _ _

____All the blood in her body was rushing into two opposite directions. Her face was definitely red. "Lucifer."_ _ _ _

____There was a bit of spit hanging like a thread between his lips and the mouthpiece._ _ _ _

____He was trying to distract her. She almost let him._ _ _ _

____"Stop stalling," she said, to him. To herself. His expression went from lascivious and inviting to shuttered. Closed._ _ _ _

____"Very well," he sighed, complying at last, no more jokes, innuendo, or performance._ _ _ _

____Chloe's fingers tapped out a nervous rhythm on her leg as she waited for the result. She hadn't felt half as nervous waiting for Mr. Martinez to hand her back her test in 6th grade when she thought she was going to fail History for sure and her twelve-year-old self had been in tears and convinced the world was going to end._ _ _ _

____The machine began to print and she snatched up the paper. Her eyes didn't want to make sense of it at first, or maybe her brain, but it was there._ _ _ _

____No breath alcohol detected. _None.__ _ _ _

____Impossible._ _ _ _

____Scientifically proven._ _ _ _

____And she'd sworn to herself to stop being a coward about… about everything. Heaven, hell. God. Whatever._ _ _ _

____Oh god, she thought and giggled a little._ _ _ _

____"Detective?"_ _ _ _

____She raised a hand, not looking up. "Give me a moment," she said, and took a deep breath before she raised her eyes._ _ _ _

____Lucifer's face was the very picture of concern, of worry. But definitely not the face of Evil with a capital E._ _ _ _

____How could he be the devil? And if he was… well, she could see why he was so angry at the reputation he had. Lucifer really wasn't evil. Something of a dick, sometimes, and a thorn in her side, at others, but not evil._ _ _ _

____"So, the devil," she said slowly, and he nodded, looking even more worried. She swallowed a little as she realized what else this meant. "Maze is a demon? And your brother…?"_ _ _ _

____"Angel."_ _ _ _

____"An angel," she repeated. Maze was a demon, holy shit. Her partner was the devil. And then, there was Chloe, apparently. "And I'm a… miracle? Like, really?"_ _ _ _

____"Yes." Still nothing but worry from him. Fear as well, she noted absently, trying to wrap her mind around her being a _miracle.__ _ _ _

____"Sound like the start of some joke," Chloe said, for lack of anything better to say because she was drawing a blank right now. _The devil, a demon, an angel, and a miracle walk into a bar.__ _ _ _

____"If so, I'm afraid it's not a very funny one."_ _ _ _

____"No, it isn't," she murmured, and he looked away, pressing his lips together. She remembered what Maze had said, about his mother, about his… father._ _ _ _

_____Was_ she part of some divine conspiracy? A game piece in the war between a god she didn't believe in and his adversary? His son?_ _ _ _

_____How dramatic. What's next? Some kind of prophecy?_ _ _ _ _

_____Locusts descending on LA?_ _ _ _ _

____"This is ridiculous," she said, her gaze travelling over him. He'd gone from worried to mostly dejected. And still so fearful._ _ _ _

____As if he were afraid she'd… what? Reject him for being a Montague?_ _ _ _

____Okay, now she was being dramatic._ _ _ _

____So what if he was the devil and she a miracle, whatever that meant. She'd known that they were completely different people right from the start. One more little difference sure didn't matter. He was still the same Lucifer, slicked back hair, impeccable suit, gorgeous, pianist hands._ _ _ _

____What he was or wasn't had never been the issue._ _ _ _

____"That thing with Candy," she started and then didn't quite know how to go on. He looked up briefly and, yes, that was shame, or even guilt, in his eyes._ _ _ _

____"I wanted to give you back your choice," he said. "Free will. A right that dear old dad granted to humanity."_ _ _ _

____And that came so much out of left field that she was left gaping. "What?"_ _ _ _

____"My father took it from you by placing you in my path and making you… have feelings."_ _ _ _

_____What the everloving fuck._ _ _ _ _

____"No one _made_ me have feelings for you, Lucifer," Chloe scoffed while trying to untangle the whole mess of what he'd just said. She belatedly realized what she'd admitted and quickly forged ahead. "Unlike almost literally everyone else you ever tried to seduce, I didn't fall down at your feet and worship the ground you walked on when we met, remember? You were moaning long enough about it." _ _ _ _

____"Desire isn't the same as-- Desire isn't the same, Detective," Lucifer all but snarled, running a hand through his hair. Desire also wasn't what she was feeling._ _ _ _

____"Okay, fine," she said. "Let's pretend you're right and my feelings were being manipulated by some higher power."_ _ _ _

____"They are."_ _ _ _

____" _If_ they were," she continued, and dammit. She'd have to… she'd actually have to come out and say how much he'd hurt her with that stunt, didn't she? "If they were, then wouldn't I have just forgiven you for... hurting me like this and…" She bit the inside of her cheek and quickly rubbed a tear away. "Would I have just welcomed you back?"_ _ _ _

____He opened his mouth and closed it._ _ _ _

____"I'm not really the forgiving type," she pressed on, grabbing the bottle of _Everclear_ and waving it in his face._ _ _ _

____He grimaced. "I got that," he said. "Did you ask Maze for advice on--"_ _ _ _

____"I don't need Maze to be properly devious, Lucifer. Despite what you both seem to think." Or was she supposed to be as much of a goody-two-shoes as they thought? Was that maybe because she was a miracle? Did this mean she was supposed to be good or something? Chloe had never thought she'd regret not paying attention to any sort of sermon or semi-pious blathering by people convinced they knew the right way to heaven, but now. Well. No matter. "You're lucky I didn't buy that bacon flavored vodka I found," she added, setting the bottle back down._ _ _ _

____" _Bacon flavoured vodka_ ," Lucifer echoed, aghast, and she laughed a little before her thoughts returned to the question of her peculiar… conception. What did blessing someone involve anyway? And _when_ exactly did Amenadiel bless her parents? Was it during… She cut that thought short._ _ _ _

____"I need a drink," Chloe groaned._ _ _ _

____Lucifer pushed the bottle of _Everclear_ at her. _ _ _ _

____"No," she said, snorting. "No way in hell."_ _ _ _

____"It would only be fair, Detective."_ _ _ _

____"Nope." She shook her head emphatically, and he sighed. They both were quiet for a while. Chloe didn't quite know what Lucifer was thinking about, but she was contemplating, well, everything._ _ _ _

____"I'm sorry, Detective," Lucifer said suddenly, and he did look contrite. "Hurting you was an unavoidable side effect and one I regret deeply."_ _ _ _

____It took her a moment to get back on track. Right, Candy._ _ _ _

____"A _side-effect_ of getting married," Chloe mumbled. "Yeah, you could call it that."_ _ _ _

____"I didn't actually," he said and she frowned at him in confusion. "Get married," he elaborated._ _ _ _

____"You…" Chloe said slowly, not sure what she should feel about him not actually getting married, but making her believe he got married. "You were lying."_ _ _ _

____"I don't lie."_ _ _ _

____"You absolutely were! You said she was your wife!"_ _ _ _

____"On paper! Not for real. We didn't even sleep together!"_ _ _ _

____Chloe gaped at him, not even sure where to start. _On paper_ was still _really married_. Then there was the fact that he hadn't had sex with Candy, and she didn't know what to think of that. Was it about… consummation?_ _ _ _

____"And we already got divorced. Officially."_ _ _ _

____Chloe buried her face in her hands. Her eyes started to itch._ _ _ _

____"So that whole thing was just for my benefit."_ _ _ _

____"No! " Lucifer exclaimed. His hands closed around her wrists and he gently pulled until he could look meet her gaze. "It was for the benefit of my family. Mum has been… trying to manipulate me."_ _ _ _

____"The manip," Chloe murmured._ _ _ _

____"An actual photograph, but yes. Among other things."_ _ _ _

____But if it were just for the benefit of his family, then why, oh why, hadn't he _told her_?_ _ _ _

____Oh, but she knew why, didn't she. He'd said. He'd thought she hadn't had a choice. He'd been trying to _do the right thing_._ _ _ _

____Heart in the right place, definitely._ _ _ _

____"Are you done with that now?" she asked, and he cast his gaze sideways. She reached for him with her right, turning his face towards her again. He let her. "And can we agree that I'm making my own damn decisions, no celestial interference required?"_ _ _ _

____"I'm the devil, Detective," he said._ _ _ _

____"I know," she replied and closed the distance to kiss him. He startled, then made a desperate sound and kissed her back with all the experience of… however long he'd lived._ _ _ _

____It was… well, it would have been great, except._ _ _ _

____He still tasted of _Everclear_. _ _ _ _

____"Ugh," Chloe said, pulling back. "I think I actually managed to repress the taste of that stuff."_ _ _ _

____Lucifer groaned. "I wish I could. I'm sure the Geneva Convention has something to say about this."_ _ _ _

____"Served you right," Chloe returned_ _ _ _

____"And this serves you right," he said and captured her mouth before she could protest. She'd expected him to be forceful, but no._ _ _ _

____If anything, he was being very, very sweet. Gentle. _Tender._ _ _ _ _

____God._ _ _ _

____Chloe's eyelids fluttered shut._ _ _ _

____After a while, she stopped caring about the taste of _Everclear_. The kissed turned from sweet into something that made her flush return once more and his hands travelled down towards her ass. She tugged at his shirt. "It's hot in here," she breathed against his lips and felt his quirk up._ _ _ _

____"Better help me out of this shirt then," he replied._ _ _ _

____She did._ _ _ _


End file.
